


Frozen Feelings

by MinaAvalor



Series: We aren't Frozen [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Cutting, Dark Thoughts, F/M, Feelings Realization, Happy Ending, Pining, Self Harm, emotionally constipated dwalin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 23:53:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20750846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinaAvalor/pseuds/MinaAvalor
Summary: Tori finds herself thinking about Dwalin all the time. Will a mistake & a lifetime lacking in love make him lose what he thought he didn't deserve?





	Frozen Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning for cutting, depression, dark thoughts, self-esteem issues.  
But happy ending so if you are prepared give it a go!  
I give warning since a each person triggers differently & I don't want to do it to someone unintentionally.
> 
> Intend to turn into series of one-shots  
Working from Notepad  
*Slight grammar & editing 9/24/19  
Any mistakes are mine.

You came to Erebor to gain your independence, at 85 years of age you felt it was a good time to strike out on your own  
to make a home for yourself in a settled place.  
Especially since you didn't have much in the way of family unless you counted your teddy bear that you had managed to hang  
onto from mother before the orphanage near the Iron Hills. Being a half dwarf sucked alot but you felt like Erebor would  
be a good place I mean a Hobbit lived there so piece of cake fitting in. What you didn't expect was the moment you met  
the Captain of the Guard Dwalin. It felt like your body was on fire from lightening. It didn't help that as you were an  
accomplished stone artist & restoration expert helping with the stone carving work which of course meant meetings &  
consultations with the Royal Family. It was easy interacting with the Royals as you found your natural outgoing  
personality finding a rhythm of friendship quickly with the Princes Fili & Kili.  
The Lady Dis was a pure joy to spend time with being naturally outspoken & to you it was very refreshing.  
There could be no greater friendship to you than the Ur family who became like your own.

A lucky meeting with Bofur & Bifur who were helping with the gems & metals inlaid in some of the carving  
that would need a fine attention to detail. Bofur of course was a fast friend, so naturally genuine in his desire to  
like & cheer others. Bifur after learning of your whittling experience & the lack of fear you showed in the wake of his  
old injury that had not healed since the axe came out during the Battle was quick to take you under his wing as  
a friend & sister. You couldn't have endeared yourself more to Bombur than when you shared recipes you learned wandering among  
the race of men & dunedain rangers you met in your travels, then your natural love of children made him & his wife Beryl  
take to you like sugar in tea. 

It was embarassing though that whenever Dwalin was around you became a bundle of nerves & had trouble speaking above 10  
words strung together if he was looking at you, less if you had to interact with him personally. Then spending the rest  
of the day berating yourself internally for acting like a lovesick puppy. Come on, this was the Captain of the Guard,  
warrior, personal bodyguard to the King himself, capable of pounding a block of granite to rubble potentially, why would  
he even give you a second glance. Sparring with the Princes, Bofur & Bifur became a relief for your inner frustration,  
you weren't much on formal training but you were a scrapper anything became a potential weapon. This was definitely  
handy with Bofur & Bifur who were the same using whatever they felt comfortable, which made your spars more interesting  
as Kili & Fili had taken to grabbing random things & throwing them in the ring to use as a weapon.

Then there was your little home on the same level with the Ur family which was really nice so you could help with the  
little dwarflings of Bombur's, spend time with Bofur to lift your spirits after particularly hard days. You also  
enjoyed the silent whittling time you spent with Bifur who still wasn't much on words. But fitting in with the rest of the community  
was a little different. You couldn't help but feel a little self conscious that you had no facial hair & were slightly  
taller & slimmer than the average dam with bigger breasts & fuller hips that made your slender waist even more noticeable.  
Where they were marble you were more like dinner rolls soft & squishy although thankfully you had a good deal of strength.  
Puttering around your little house at night you couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to come home to Dwalin or  
even waiting with dinner for him.  
Deciding to jot down your thoughts to get them out of your head so you might not explode in public declaring that you  
loved the younger Fundin brother journaling in a modest leather bound book became an outlet for your emotions, some of  
which were fairly intense after you had the unadulterated joy of watching him spar with Fili without his shirt one day. 

Thankfully you didn't drool on yourself as you took in the vision he made with a broad chest, well defined biceps,  
tattoos that you longed to run your fingers over, a fine dusting of chest hair coming to a v at his trousers, hard muscles  
& sinew as it rippled under his tanned skin with a thin sheen of sweat. Some of your entries in your journal turned pretty  
erotic after that day. But that is all it would be nothing but a journal of desperate want for something & someone  
that you were positive would never be yours. Why would he want you with the dwarrowdams who were the model of dwarrow  
strength, sturdy stocky builds & soft facial hair or sideburns. At least, that's what you thought at the time.

Following a particularly grueling spar with Fili then Bifur without thinking you went to the girls shower to wash off  
before heading out. Stripping down to your tunic & panties you grabbed a towel before remembering you left your journal  
out on the bench. Racing for the spar ring you were apalled to see Kili reading it! And not just to himself but out loud to  
his brother. Sprinting forward you tried to grab it from Kili who threw it to his brother, not wanting to play a game of  
keep away but getting very upset you couldn't help the intense red that flushed across your cheeks, & ears.  
"Kili, Fili give it back that is private!"  
"I'll say it's private wouldn't you Fee! Never thought you had such amorous thoughts about old Dwalin."  
"Indeed Kee. I mean Tori I suspected you of having a crush on him but dreaming about slipping between the sheets."  
"Lads what the hell is going on here?"  
There was no mistaking that rumbling voice, your eyes widened, all color draining from your face as you turned to see  
Dwalin staring at yall with his arms crossed over his chest & a very angry glare on his face. Not even thinking because  
you didn't think you could stand the embarrassment you ran from the sparring arena to head for your house as fast as you  
can, not caring for your less than presentable appearance as your raced through the mountain. As tears stream down your  
face you can't believe what just happened. Slamming the door behind you, your shoulders shake with uncontrollable emotions  
embarrassment, anger, hurt, sadness that felt like it would consume you. 

As you walked toward your bedroom thinking you would pack & head out leaving a note to apologize to the King & the Ur's  
for your departure. You caught sight of yourself in the mirror & it felt like everything exploded. You couldn't stand  
the sight of yourself as you punched in the mirror sending shards exploding from the frame. Chest heaving you knelt down  
& barely registered the cuts to your fingers & hands leaving drops of blood behind you. You grabbed a piece of glass &  
you felt like your insides froze, nothing mattered. This was just another time that your life turned to crap right under  
your feet & at the hands of people you considered friends. You took the shard of glass & without donning anything  
else but a cloak, not bothering to fully shut your door you made your way to the front gate, not sure where your feet  
were carrying you & not caring very much as long as the pain stayed away.

Dwalin~  
Watching her freeze under my gaze with panic & pain filling her eyes felt like someone punched me in the chest. I never  
thought she felt that way about me, just as pleasure burned through my chest I watched her run from the ring in nothing  
but her tunic & bare feet.  
Striding forward I caught the book the boys had been tossing & solidly cuffed the both of them on the back of their heads.  
"Ow! We're sorry we didn't think she would get that upset especially since it's kind of obvious you like her." Fili  
said.  
"Doesn't give you the right to treat a lady tha way." I growl at them feeling every ounce of frustration at their  
idiocy. Praying that they don't burn down the mountain or I die before either of them take the throne.  
Rubbing a hand over my face & trying to figure out a way to fix this. I never could have hoped that anyone much less  
a young lass with so much to offer would want to be with a battle scarred bear like me.  
"Ya both better find the lass & make good on apologizing." I snarled at them watching as they beat a quick retreat.  
I decide to head for Thorin to see if he can help me tucking the journal away in my office on my way. 

Knocking before entering his office I open the door to see him & of all people Bofur discussing something.  
"Hope I'm not interrupting." I say taking in the scene, my old friend looks tired from all the work & hours being put  
into restoring the mountain but he also looks pleased while Bofur just looks overjoyed at something.  
"No Bofur & I were just discussing Tori." Thorin stated realizing quickly the look of possessiveness crossing your  
face before you have a chance to mask it.

"Tha's right me & the lads want to adopt the lass into our clan." Bofur practically puffs up at the thought of tucking  
her into their family as a little sister he could adore, spoil & protect.  
I feel my heart stop pounding so hard as I take in what Bofur just said. The grip on my heart relaxed as I realized that  
he wasn't thinking about you in any way other than familial.  
Just as I was turning to Thorin to explain why I needed to see him the door to his office burst open & it seemed like a  
whirlwind of princelings came with it.  
"She's gone"  
"The door was open"  
"There were mirror shards all over the place"  
"And drops of blood"  
"But no Tori"  
Trying to wrap my brain around the rapid fire inforamtion being shot at me the only things that seemed to penetrate  
& sent a chill to the very marrow of my bones was blood & gone. Turning as they explained the situation to a very  
distraught Bofur & a livid Thorin I try to keep from letting my rage out wanting to decapitate the both of them  
for hurting my lass.

"Where would she go" I ask everyone in the room.  
The only one who seems to have any ideas is Bofur who lists his family's apartments, the forge, the rampart, the toyshop  
& the waterfall in front of Ravenhill as the best possible places to look. I feel something squeeze my chest so tight  
I feel like I could pass out from the pain at the mention of Ravenhill. That cursed place almost cost me several people  
I hold dear already. I find my steps making quick time for the front gate.

Tori~  
It feels like everything is a haze as you walk across the ground heading for the hill, at least there you can be at peace.  
Nobody teasing, no longing, no loneliness, just quiet. It feels like you aren't even attached to yourself anymore, not  
even feeling the drops of blood dripping from your right hand where you are gripping the shard of mirror. Nothing in you  
feels the pain because there is no more room for more pain.  
Climbing closer to the waterfall, you settle on some rocks as the moonlight reflects off the water. Looking down at your  
hand you seem to see the shard of mirror for the first time wondering why you are holding it until you catch sight of  
your reflection in it. Puffy red eyes, hairless face, green eyes, unremarkable brown hair & a surge of hate burns  
through your mind.

If you weren't you maybe people would love you. Your mind starts reeling with thoughts that won't seem to stop  
'He doesn't love you'  
'Your just a child'  
'Pathetic half breed'  
'Never fit in'  
'No one wants you'  
'It's all pity they give'  
'No one will miss you'

Tears blur your vision as you feel the shard cutting through the skin on your wrist, all there seems to be is emptiness  
as you take it from one wrist to the other. Everything feels like it is crashing & swimming around you as you setttle  
against a rock at your back watching the ripples on the water feeling something pool around your hands in your lap.  
Your eyelids start to feel droopy, head fuzzy, not noticing the cold biting into your body from being outside in so little  
& the blood loss at your wrists. It feels like your ears are full of cotton as you hear someone calling your name, a warm  
calloused hand at your cheek, arms coming around your back & under your legs, your head lulls against something solid  
& warm before you sink further all you can say is "I'm sorry I'm not enough."

You hear a voice in the darkness & you feel like swimming to it because it draws you like a bee to honey, asking you to  
stay. Your eyelids feel so heavy & your body feels so heavy, voices start to come to you in the darkness  
"Ifn she don wake you're gonna need te make new heirs Thorin."  
"I know how you feel Dwalin. But I also know for all their teasing they wouldn't do something if they thought this is what  
would happen."  
"Why would the lass do this to herself? I thought she knew how much we all cared."

Unable to stop the groan from rumbling from your chest you try to push your eyelids open. You feel a warm hand take your's  
it feels so small compared to the one holding it.  
"I'm here Lass, stay with me."  
Mustering what energy you can pull through the core of your body you give a small squeeze to the one holding your hand.  
It takes everything you have to pry your eyes open, turning your head your eyes are met with Dwalin sitting at your  
bedside holding your hand, your King & Bofur standing behind him looking at you with concern. Immediately your body  
is pulling back, tears are streaming from your eyes as you try to pull your hand back feeling so ashamed. Being weak  
as a kitten it amounts to little more than a twitch to your hand.  
Then there are hands cupping your face brushing the tears from your face.  
"Don't cry nien mithrim (heart star)."  
You can't help the flow of tears streaming down your face. Bofur scoots closer & pats your leg with his hand.  
"It's okay Tori, we're here for you lass."

You see Oin come into the room & tell everyone that you need to rest to recover your strength. Bofur & Thorin depart with  
promises to visit you the next day. Dwalin glares at Oin as he attempts to get him to leave, Oin throws up his hands &  
huffs out the door. As much as you had always hoped for moments like this with Dwalin you feel ashamed of why he is here.  
Trying to push back thoughts that he is here out of pity. Your thoughts are pulled out as you feel him squeeze your  
hand. Turning to look at him you feel your cheeks go red & duck your head mumbling a sorry.

"Lass I hope you know how much we all care for you. I'm not good with words & an old bear to boot. I never thought  
you could be happy with someone like me so I felt it better not to tell you how much you mean to me. Since the day I met  
ya & ya blushed so fierce I was hooked. While I'm right buggered at the lads for what they did, I'm not sorry to know  
ya think about me too."  
Hope flares deep in your chest as you look up into his beautiful grey eyes, tugging on his hand with what little strength  
you have to get him to sit beside you. You feel thrilled to your very core as he gently wraps an arm around you  
bringing your hand & bandaged wrist up to kiss it gently.

"I never thought a warrior like you would want someone like me." You shyly admit your voice hoarse as it comes out.  
Hearing a huff, you feel him kiss the crown of your head.  
"Nien mithrim ya are so perfect. Would you want to be courted by an old scarred warrior like me?"  
"Yes I would." You can't help yourself as you tilt your head back & look into his face bringing your hand up to brush trembling  
through his beard you hear a low rumble in his chest as he leans down to kiss your lips gently.  
"Never leave me again nien mithrim. Promise me?"  
"I promise."  
Cuddling into his side & the warmth he brought to you, it felt as though you were melting from the inside out. Content to  
see what the future would bring.


End file.
